Sex Addict: "I chose you, then (nearly) destroyed us"

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Early relationships (often with our parents) has a very powerful
impact on the blueprint of partner choice. They are unconsciously
looked at as being able to repair those childhood wounds. We
often seek a blueprint that “fits” ours.


When we meet a potential partner, we have an opportunity to
re-Attach to a loved person, just like (or better than) the
Attachment bonding we had with our parents when we were young. A
'someone' we feel safe with and gives us other familiar feelings
which usually make us feel comfortable and have a sense of
belonging.


We tend to idealise our partners initially. In time, we get very
disappointed when they do not live up to our expectations. We
feel very let down.


Both, may have had Attachment issues from childhood and have
separation anxiety, but they may have different coping styles. At
some point, when repeated conflict arises, questions and doubt
also surface like:“This is not the person I thought I had
married.” 


After the shock, comes denial. The disappointment is so great
that you don’t allow yourself to see the truth. You do your best
to see your partner’s negative traits in a positive light.
Eventually, however, the denial can no longer be sustained. You
feel betrayed.


We fall in love with 'sameness' and 'differenceness'. This is why
we find “opposites attract”. We are unconsciously searching for
and eventually think that we have found 'the one'; our 'other
half/better half!'.


It should be remembered that all couple fits, serve an emotional
and psychological purpose. They are there to provide comfort, a
sense of security and wholeness. We are not always aware of our
fit until it is challenged or disrupted. Do any of these seem
familiar in your relationship?:


Babes in the Wood: Cling together in the face of the odds.
Unconscious rejection; repressed anger within the relationship;
expressed anger at people outside the relationship. They often
look the same and will behave in a likeable, affable manner. A
couple such as this see all the bad things in the world as
belonging in the outside world and not part of themselves. They
keep anything bad out of their relationship. The world literally
is a “big bad wolf”.


Net and Sword: The ‘net’ shows all the love & tries to
encompass, control or placate the sword. Conscious rejection;
deny need or yearning for other. Relationship works well until
one partner owns up to their denied feelings & decides they
will not be responsible for the others unexpressed feelings. One
partner shows all the love and the other, all the rejection. One
person expresses all the denied emotions that the other cannot or
will not express. This relationship works well until one partner
owns up to their denied feelings and decides they will not be
responsible for the others unexpressed feelings, often plunging
the other into confusion or profound feelings of loss.  


Cat and Dog: Characterised by anger, rejection and other
destructive emotions. Both are only conscious of the bad in each
other, but often will not part because they fear they cannot or
will not be able to find a relationship with anybody better. This
relationship is characterised by anger, rejection and a host of
other destructive emotions. Both are only conscious of the bad in
each other and their lives seem like a war zone. Intimacy is
regulated by conflict and they often will not part because they
fear they cannot or will not be able to find a relationship with
anybody better. (I call this one "Tom & Jerry" -
characterised by a never-ending chase and never catching the
other)


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