How to Fight Self-Defeating Thoughts

In preparation for my interview with Anese Cavanaugh, I reviewed
her website and watched this speech she gave at the Inc. Women’s
Summit. Her message resonated with the mission of the Provoking
Your Greatness podcast, and I was excited for this interview.


 


Our forty minutes together felt more like catching up with a good
friend than interviewing an expert, author, and successful
businesswoman. With that kind of chemistry, I knew we had to work
together on a project.


 


A few weeks after the interview, we jumped on a Skype call to
record a conversation about love, vulnerability, and leadership.
For nearly an hour, we tossed ideas back and forth, got
vulnerable, and shared strategies we use (and teach) for loving
your work and your team. While the conversation was valuable and
fun, the most valuable part for me came after we shut off the
recording.


 


Just before we hung up, I asked Anese, “If you hear of anyone
looking for a speaker, would you put my name in the hat?” As an
expert receiving requests to speak, she could suggest me for
events requiring more than one speaker.


 


Within seconds, she pasted a link to a website where a couple
dozen business conferences are listed, and suggested I reach out
and submit myself as a speaker for the various events. Not
realizing why, I felt of twinge of irritation and caught myself
thinking, “If I’m a good enough speaker, I shouldn’t need to
submit myself—they should come to me.”


 


I asked, “How did you get the opportunity to speak at the Inc.
conference,” fully expecting to hear some form of, “Word of
mouth.”


 


“Some were by referral, but many of them were by submitting
myself and putting myself out there to speak at their venues. One
venue I submitted to for two years before I got the opportunity,”
she said, as if such an activity was normal for talented
speakers. “Sometimes when I submitted my name for a conference,”
she continued, “I’d get an email encouraging me to keep
submitting. Other times—radio silence. So, I kept submitting. ”


 


“Keep submitting? I don’t want to submit at all, much less keep
submitting,” I thought, not understanding why I was
irritated. 


 


Before I could figure out what all my agitation was about, Anese
added, “And while it seemed like they were ignoring me, or didn’t
want me, it turned out they were very good people, and well
intended, just busy and sometimes a bit disorganized.”


 


While I wasn’t aware of it in the moment, those words freed me—to
start submitting, keep submitting, and put myself out there in a
big way. Until Anese said the words, “they weren’t ignoring me,”
I unknowingly believed that any response short of, “We’d love to
have you,” meant they thought I wasn’t good enough.


 


“Misti,” Anese continued, “I had been trying to get the
opportunity to publish an article in Inc. for years. At the end
of one of my speaking events, an editor from Inc came up to me
and asked if I’d like to have my own column with them.”


 


Deeply inspired by her tenacity, I made a decision in that
moment, and have been submitting my name to speak at various
events ever since. Recognizing this may take some time, I created
a spreadsheet to keep track of my march toward my dreams.


 


Interestingly, before that conversation with Anese, I believed I
was doing everything I could to get opportunities to speak. Now,
I’m left wondering if I am unknowingly “playing small” in other
areas of my life in order to avoid feelings of rejection.


 


When you’re open and trusting of all emotions, you’ll see the
signs pointing you in the direction you need to go. While we do
not typically think of anger, irritation, or frustration this
way, they are excellent clues to help us see where we need to pay
attention.


 


What agitates you? The answer may point you to a deeply ingrained
behavior that needs to change. Happiness and joy are easier to
tap into, while irritation is inherently repulsive. Use
frustrating moments to listen to the thoughts you’re thinking,
and the beliefs they create. Ask yourself if those thoughts are
adding to your courage, or robbing you of the opportunities you
crave.


 


While it’s easy to think in terms of “good/bad or right/wrong,”
consider saying to yourself, “Isn’t that interesting?” when you
uncover truths about yourself that are uncomfortable. Having a
gentle curiosity provides the strongest foundation for growth.


 


“Your limitations are your invitations.”—Beth House Graham.


 


Rather than resisting the reality of self-limiting thoughts and
beliefs, meet them with an open, curious, mind. From this vantage
point, new beliefs can make their way into your consciousness.


 


Here’s to Your Greatness,


 


Misti Burmeister


 


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