The Danger of Crying at Work

During the Q&A session of a panel discussion I was a part of
recently, a woman stood up and asked, “Is it okay to cry at
work?”


 


Previous to that moment, I would have said, “Of course, it’s okay
to cry.” But I held my tongue because of the words I’d heard
Freeman Hrabowski, President of UMBC, say during a speech just a
few months before.


 


“We teach our female students not to cry at work,” he said.


 


At the time, I remember thinking, “You’re a guy—what do you know
about women and emotions?” I found myself irritated with the fact
a man of great influence was actively teaching women to hold back
their emotions.


 


Clearly, he didn’t get it. Or, did he? Am I blind to something
that he, along with several prominent women in history, sees?


 


Waiting for my panel-mates to share their own version of, “I’m a
crier,” my mind went back to a few years ago when I listened to a
speaker share about his mothers approach to emotions. “I watched
her,” he said, “in the heat of difficult business conversations.
She held her emotions until we got behind closed doors and then
she’d let it out. ‘Don’t let them see you sweat,’ she’d say.”


 


Back then, the idea of hiding your emotions felt foreign and
wrong to me. In fact, it felt wrong until the moment the woman in
the audience asked the question. Imagining what it might be like
to be on the receiving end of her emotional release, it occurred
to me that the impact could easily become overwhelming and
exhausting. 


 


Depending on the capacity of the person receiving her emotion, it
could also be no big deal. But, considering how few people know
how to handle even the smallest amount of emotion, releasing the
pressure valve on your boss, employees, or those looking to you
for leadership is probably not the best option.


 


Let’s be honest, most of us want to believe that the person
leading us is strong, can handle the pressure, and will
communicate their needs. In the same vein, most leaders want to
be able to hand off a project, trusting their employees will give
their best and ask for the help when needed.  


 


Large amounts of emotion on either side consume energy and take
time to process regardless of whether you’re the boss or the
employee. When it comes to progress (and profitability) in
business, reducing the expense of difficult emotions makes sense.


 


Of course, this conversation about tears at the office would be
incomplete without addressing the tremendous benefits
vulnerability brings to high performing individuals and teams. In
fact, Brene Brown travels the world teaching on this very topic,
leading companies and teams to breakthroughs in innovation,
collaboration, and profitability.


 


While there’s no question that difficult emotions have a place at
work, the critical questions to consider before releasing are;


 


—Do I respect and trust them?


—Do they trust and respect me?


 


If there is trust and respect in the relationship, you probably
have a sense of the impact your emotional release will have on
them. While their ability (or inability) to handle emotions are
not your responsibility, recognizing your potential impact may
give you just the nudge you need to process in a safe environment
first.  Giving yourself the resources (time with a trusted
friend, advisor, or therapist) necessary to process emotions
could mean the difference between destroying opportunities and
distinguishing yourself as worthy of trust.


 


The following are three great exercises to strengthen your
ability to distinguish the most effective use of your emotions in
the moment:


 
Reflect and Recharge. Let’s face it,
irritation, frustration, and even anger are a natural part of being
alive, though few of us give ourselves the time and support we need
to understand and grow from these emotions. Set aside fifteen
minutes every day to reflect. The key here is to do it every
Use Difficulty. When someone says or does
something that triggers emotion (anger, fear, sadness, frustration,
etc), pause, focus on your breath, and stay present. Recognize
where your discomfort is really coming from—the stories you tell
yourself, take mental note, and then use your reflection time to go
over your stories. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Wiggle
Your Toes. My comedic yogi friend, Kelly Harman, suggests
that if you feel like you are going to cry, wiggle your toes really
hard. Your brain for some reason, cannot process crying and toe
wiggling together and it will help keep you from crying.

 


With such divergent opinions on this topic, it’s easy to jump to
criticism, rather than appreciate the gift of being human—we make
up stories. Rather than spend time criticizing, consider giving
yourself the time and space necessary to understand and relate to
your own needs.


 


Here’s to Your Greatness,


 


Misti Burmeister


 


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