How To Use Anger To Strengthen Trust

Seeking understanding is the last thing we want to do when
someone has offended us, tainted our reputation, or put us in
harm’s way. It’s far easier to hold tightly to our beliefs, keep
our anger, and strengthen our story by gathering all the
necessary data and buy-in from others.


 


It’s risky to seek their perspective and listen openly and
authentically to their thought process, particularly when they
might not demonstrate such concern in return. They may never ask
about our experience, or even appreciate our interest in
understanding theirs, making it far easier to keep our animosity
and find a way to punish them.


 


“He’s my boss’s, boss’s, boss,” Brad said, “And I have no idea
how to write the letter to his boss explaining how his poor
choices put my life in danger. What do I do?”


 


“Do you have a way of contacting the man you’re upset with
directly?” I asked.


 


“No. I mean… I know his name, but I don’t know his contact
information.”


 


“Could you find it?”


 


“Well, maybe… but if I do talk to him then I can no longer
anonymously submit a formal letter of complaint without the
potential of losing my job.”


 


Considering his brush up against death while fighting a wild
fire, I could appreciate his anger. I can also see what he might
be giving up by going directly to a formal letter of complaint.
By seeking to punish before seeking to understand their
perspective, we lose our ability to—


 


a.) Challenge our own stories and grow in awareness,


b.) Learn the truth behind their decisions, and


c.) Offer insights that may very well save others from the same
experience. 


 


By consistently giving ourselves a chance to understand another
person’s perspective (especially when anger is present), we
stretch our heart, develop compassion, and strengthen
relationships. Such actions create a sense of safety in our
presence and serve to strengthen trust. 


 


If it’s true that most of us are doing the best we can with the
information we have in the moment, does it make sense to risk our
tightly held beliefs in service of growth? Is it possible that by
assuming well of others and seeking to understand them, we
attract the same kind of understanding in our life?


 


While learning to listen in the face of pain (anger, sadness, and
even grief) is far from easy, practicing cannot help but
strengthen our own courage while deepening trust. 


 


Here’s to your greatness,


 


Misti Burmeister


 


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