fear

sun 20 06 2021 i have a tongue, but i cannot speak i have eyes but
i cannot see i have ears but i cannot listen hi you, to be in the
studio, also for the last ones since winter, i dont know how it
could happen. "normally" i wasnt allowed to drive with the car-
cause these times ive didnt get sleep- was awake over than 24
hours.. but...somehow the love, the drive in, magic or whatever is
included in music and "me" pushed me ahead there- i have to say,
that the shows always felt good on me, after i did - god and the
angels know how i went there and back- its like a dream. im not
proud of it- just very very thankful. since june i ve recognized,
that im totally unable to "function" like i did. im in a great
depression or everwhat - and that i dont know who or what i am-
every anything makes no sense -anymore- to me- i live in fear and
shame than in trust and love- everything i know or made, cant help
me now. i dont know who to trust in - what i couldshould believe-
how to help me out of this. cannot hold myself- if my family
wouldnt be there for me, i must go directly into a hospital- cause
i cant live on my own- and all in this, everything turned into
broken glass-the car, the home, the relationship with my friends
and the world, the thought of what i will work or do after the
closing of my / our pub at the end of the year, i cant create or
make things, think clear or i am not concentrated- i m sad of all
this and what ive lost. i only hope and beg that it will come back-
that i will be again creative and have a reason and sense to wake
up- from all the things i do love i´ve got disconnected- or it
feels like that- whatever will happen- it took 2 months to upload
this- yeah- this is a hell way into a aim- haaa-- i only know, that
im totally identified with in the ego and yeah, i hope for the face
in the mirror, which i dont want to see these times- while im
writing this i see myself- and could throw outttttt- ahhhhh :) once
my friend anna wrote me a snippet: "everything will be good at the
end if its not its not the end!"