Episode 30: Angry Captain

INT. DINGY POLICE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE IN THE 80’s -
NIGHT


The chair behind the captain’s desk is empty. Two men sit,
smoking, in folding chairs facing the desk. CABINTIRE (Adam
Lisagor) relaxes in one chair; FLEECE (Emmanuel Lewis) fidgets in
the other.


FLEECE
Cabintire, I told you, man! Captain wasn’t gonna be cool with
this!


CABINTIRE
Put your panties back on.


(Cabintire hands Fleece a pair of frilly panties.)


FLEECE
First of all, no, man, that’s nasty. And they ain’t even my size!


The door swings open, then slams shut. CAPT RIFFLES (Dennis
Franz) stands looking down at the two detectives, shaking his
head, chuckling.


RIFFLES
Detective Cabintire.


CABINTIRE
(Sneering)
Yes … sir.


RIFFLES
Would you mind telling me what this is?


(Riffles holds up a bloodied yoga mat.)


CABINTIRE
I believe they call that “evidence” in the police business, sir.


RIFFLES
They might have called it that. Before you took it home and wiped
your Downward-facing Dogs all over it for a few weeks. What were
you thinking?


FLEECE
Goddammit, man! You’re crazy! I did NOT leave Langley for this
bullshit!


CABINTIRE
Why let a perfectly good yoga mat go to waste? Keep your panties
on, Captain.


(Cabintire hands Riffles a pair of lace panties.)


FLEECE
Where you get all these panties from, man?


CABINTIRE
Oh, these? They’re a gift from my aunt. My Aunt YOUR MOM.


(The phone rings.)


RIFFLES
Yeah? Oh Jesus. (Hangs up phone.) We got another guy on the roof,
over on 72nd & Waldorf.


FLEECE
Who? A jumper?


CABINTIRE
No. A fiddler.


RIFFLES
How’d you know that, Cabintire?


CABINTIRE
NO TIME. Get in my Vanagon, I’ll explain on the way.


ONE MORE THING: In the episode Adam briefly
mentions Birdhouse, his new iPhone app. Although YLNT officially
endorses BirdBath Pro Lite as our Twitter app of choice, we must
admit that we greatly prefer Birdhouse. Learn more, watch the
video, and buy the thing already:


http://birdhouseapp.com/


If you love him you will buy it. Do you hate him? Is that why
you’re still reading this? Wow, I’ll let him know. I’ll let him
know you made your point, loud and clear, pal. But don’t be
surprised if, late tonight, you get a call from Detective
Cabintire, wondering where his whiskey money is. Don’t say we
didn’t warn you.