Episode 45: Morning Glory

TO: Paul Polman, CEO
Unilever PLC
London, United Kingdom


Dear Mr. Polman,


I hope you can help me.


You are in charge of a massive, multinational food and detergent
company. So I understand that you are a very busy man. My
problem, while small compared to all of the things you must worry
about every day, is of dire importance to me.


I have been a fan of your Ragu line of pasta sauces for many
years.


Specifically, I love your Ragu Robusto Six Cheese Pasta Sauce.


More specifically, I love to have sex with your Ragu Robusto Six
Cheese Pasta Sauce.


Yes, I am a salsaphile—someone who is stimulated by tomato-based
sauces or purées. Yes, it is very real. The DSM-IV-TR
(psychiatry’s literal Bible) almost refers to it several times.


For years, I have loved Ragu Six Cheese. A fine purée and creamy
balance of cheeses, lovingly microwaved for 45 seconds, has been
my companion for so many otherwise lonely nights. In fact, two
years ago I broke off my relationships with all other sauces and
decided to see Ragu Six exclusively. After a final, lingering
kiss with Newman’s Own Cabernet Marinara, I and Ragu Six were
free to begin the next stage of our life together.


Then, disaster.


Some bean counter in your accounting department must have decided
to cut costs. Suddenly, one Saturday evening, Ragu Six changed.
The viscosity was off. The skin-feel was different. I looked down
into my specially designed bowl and didn’t recognize the sauce
staring back up at me.


You might think that I am an isolated case, some lone “weirdo”
with a grudge. Not true! The forum at NoShameTomato.org is on
fire with dozens of complaints from folks who also preferred the
amorous texture of the previous formula. Those are complaints
from many different people who are definitely not me.


Mr. Polman, I understand that you are probably not sexually
aroused by a liquified Burpee Super Italian. But, please, I beg
that you go back to the old recipe. Give me back the sauce I once
loved so much.


Best regards,
Taylor Martin
Grants Pass, OR


Special introduction by Matthew “Frenchish” Latkiewicz.


Also: Hidden Mickey and the eighth dwarf; a new kind of trust
exercise and restaurant; Blueberry Morning; untenable stuff;
Mexico is full of 200W bulbs and Concord Grape Pop Tarts; Maximum
White Creme Pomade; writing to the CEO; ungrippable body wash;
Action Line with the Wet Man; Depression-era food; welcome to The
Jungle; brokavore gourmet; the CEO of Can; a handful of gravel;
generics.