70: What to Do When Your Wife is Triggered | How to Hold Boundaries and Use the Language of Safety in Your Marriage When You Have a Porn Addiction

If you’re married and you struggle with a porn addiction, we’re
going to talk about what to do when your wife is triggered. 


I have seen a recurring trend with my clients who struggle with
pornography addiction. Many have no boundaries with their
partners. They face some very serious struggles and confusion in
their marriage, trying to figure out how to react when their
wives with betrayal trauma are triggered. In other words, when
their wives become angry, defensive, lash out, become critical
and insulting, or they shut down and give their husbands the
silent treatment. 


Very common these days - even in circles of recovery - is the
tendency to believe that the porn addict can have no expectations
or standards for how he is treated, because of the fact that he
has betrayed his wife by watching porn, and that ALL of the
issues in their relationship stem from his behavior. His wife can
berate and put him down, and it is “justified” because of his
porn addiction.


This kind of treatment can deeply hurt the addict, who by the
way, despite his self-centered behavior, is a human being.
Betrayed wives will sometimes blame their addict husbands for
everything that’s wrong, and this crushes their husband’s
self-esteem, causing him to feel hated and worthless. This works
against the very thing that the wife wants most, which is a
capable, responsible, and selfless husband. Not to mention this
does not help him stop watching porn. 


An addict’s betrayal of their spouse is, without a doubt,
selfish. But it is also personally devastating and traumatic for
the addict to endure. To overcome porn addiction requires far
more than willpower, motivation, or a decision to stop. The
recovering addict needs the proper recovery mindset and lifestyle
tools, and qualified help for porn addiction. 


Part of building this recovery mindset and lifestyle is to learn
how to effectively engage with your romantic partner. Today, we
will discuss the following to help you do this: 


Understanding the trauma of porn addiction

Understanding the what, why, and how of triggers for betrayed
spouses

Understanding a spouse’s betrayal trauma

Taking ownership over your side of the marriage (and letting
the other person’s go)

What boundaries are and are not

How to help your betrayed spouse through…

Using the language of safety

Holding appropriate boundaries

Holding daily couple’s check-ins








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