Episode 010 – 7 Relationship Master Skills to Overcome 4 Disasters

Summary:


In Episode 010, Joseph explains to us the 4 disasters of
relationships and the 7 master skills to overcome them based on
the work of Dr. John Gottman, an expert in the field of marriage
research. Challenges in marriage and relationships are a given
and can easily overwhelm us, especially if we’re left without
some practical help and advice. We can all relate to feelings of
contempt and times when we’ve been critical of our partners—2 of
the 4 disasters that can really hurt a relationship. The good
news is that we CAN change the course of our relationships. Tune
in to find out Dr. Gottman’s 7 master skills that will overcome
the 4 disasters and in turn, improve our marriages and
relationships.


Time Stamped Show Notes:



00:01 – Introduction to Mind Your Mind Podcast


00:25 – Today’s topic: 7 Relationship Master Skills to
Overcome 4 Disasters


00:52 – Joseph will be referring to the works
ofDr. John Gottman, an expert in
marriage research


02:13 – “Friendship fuels the flames of romance, because
it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial
toward your spouse.” – John Gottman


02:34 – Understanding the 4 disasters and applying the 7
master skills will help your life and relationships


03:22 – The “Four Horsemen of Gottman’s Apocalypse” are
criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling



03:29 – Criticism is attacking your partner’s
personality or character to prove them wrong


03:46 – Criticism is the opposite of intimacy
and closeness


04:16 – Contempt is attacking your partner's
sense of self and looking down on them


04:45 – Contempt is sulfuric acid for
love


05:35 – This destroys relationships


05:42 – Look at yourself because contempt is
a contagious disease


05:56 – Defensiveness is seeing yourself as
the victim


06:28 – Stonewalling is withdrawing from the
relationship or conversation to avoid conflict


06:43 – Stonewalling shows disapproval,
distance, and disconnection



07:05 – The general solution is to take notice of these
four disasters in your relationship


07:12 – Here are the 7 Solutions to counter criticism,
contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling:



07:19 – #1: Share clear hurts and requests –
“When you insulted me in public, I felt very sad and alone. I
want you to tell me you’ll make an effort not to insult me in
public again”


08:00 – #2 Use a soft startup, start from a
place of unarguable truth, and listen generously


08:28 – #3 Shift to appreciation


08:42 – #4 Claim responsibility


08:52 – #5 Rewrite your inner script


09:08 – #6 Practice becoming
non-defensive


09:35 – #7 Help your partner reach their
dreams



09:41 – Joseph shares Dr. Gottman’s story of how he tried
to publish his marriage book



10:00 – After several rejections, he ended up
with one publishing executive who asked him to give him practical
marriage advice in 30 seconds


10:19 – Dr. Gottman said “Honor your wife’s
dreams” and the executive walked out


10:30 – A few days later he got the call
saying he got the contract


10:43 – Dr. Gottman found out later that the
executive went straight home and had a meaningful conversation
with his wife about her dreams—his advice made an impact



11:21 – We all enter relationships with the idea that
we’re going to help each other; but when we really honor each
other’s dreams, it can repair and change a relationship for the
better


11:39 – Get rid of the 4 negative horsemen


12:06 – James says,“My spouse speaks to me
with contempt and says that I do the same to her. How do I get
her to stop saying this?”– Start looking at
yourself and see where you get triggered. Be curious and ask
how you can work on it.


13:22 – All 4 disasters destroy marriages


13:46 – Please don’t forget to rate us and leave us a
review oniTunes!


13:53 – End of this week’s podcast!



3 Key Points:
The 4 disasters WILL destroy your marriage; so take
notice of whether or not they are present in your
relationship.The solution is to start a conversation
from a soft place with your unarguable truths—this sets you and
your partner up for success.Always look at yourself
FIRST, before confronting your partner about how they treat
you.

Resources Mentioned:



Dr. John Gottman– An expert in relationships
and marriage research


Download PDF – A PDF summary of the 4 Disasters and 7
Masters Skills by Joseph Tropper