Episode 010 – 7 Relationship Master Skills to Overcome 4 Disasters

Summary:


In Episode 010, Joseph explains to us the 4 disasters of
relationships and the 7 master skills to overcome them based on
the work of Dr. John Gottman, an expert in the field of marriage
research. Challenges in marriage and relationships are a given
and can easily overwhelm us, especially if we’re left without
some practical help and advice. We can all relate to feelings of
contempt and times when we’ve been critical of our partners—2 of
the 4 disasters that can really hurt a relationship. The good
news is that we CAN change the course of our relationships. Tune
in to find out Dr. Gottman’s 7 master skills that will overcome
the 4 disasters and in turn, improve our marriages and
relationships.


Time Stamped Show Notes:


00:01 – Introduction to Mind Your Mind Podcast

00:25 – Today’s topic: 7 Relationship Master Skills to
Overcome 4 Disasters

00:52 – Joseph will be referring to the works ofDr. John
Gottman, an expert in marriage research

02:13 – “Friendship fuels the flames of romance, because it
offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward
your spouse.” – John Gottman

02:34 – Understanding the 4 disasters and applying the 7
master skills will help your life and relationships

03:22 – The “Four Horsemen of Gottman’s Apocalypse” are
criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling



03:29 – Criticism is attacking your partner’s personality or
character to prove them wrong


03:46 – Criticism is the opposite of intimacy and closeness


04:16 – Contempt is attacking your partner's sense of self and
looking down on them


04:45 – Contempt is sulfuric acid for love


05:35 – This destroys relationships


05:42 – Look at yourself because contempt is a contagious
disease


05:56 – Defensiveness is seeing yourself as the victim


06:28 – Stonewalling is withdrawing from the relationship or
conversation to avoid conflict


06:43 – Stonewalling shows disapproval, distance, and
disconnection


07:05 – The general solution is to take notice of these four
disasters in your relationship

07:12 – Here are the 7 Solutions to counter criticism,
contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling:



07:19 – #1: Share clear hurts and requests – “When you insulted
me in public, I felt very sad and alone. I want you to tell me
you’ll make an effort not to insult me in public again”


08:00 – #2 Use a soft startup, start from a place of unarguable
truth, and listen generously


08:28 – #3 Shift to appreciation


08:42 – #4 Claim responsibility


08:52 – #5 Rewrite your inner script


09:08 – #6 Practice becoming non-defensive


09:35 – #7 Help your partner reach their dreams


09:41 – Joseph shares Dr. Gottman’s story of how he tried to
publish his marriage book



10:00 – After several rejections, he ended up with one
publishing executive who asked him to give him practical marriage
advice in 30 seconds


10:19 – Dr. Gottman said “Honor your wife’s dreams” and the
executive walked out


10:30 – A few days later he got the call saying he got the
contract


10:43 – Dr. Gottman found out later that the executive went
straight home and had a meaningful conversation with his wife
about her dreams—his advice made an impact


11:21 – We all enter relationships with the idea that we’re
going to help each other; but when we really honor each other’s
dreams, it can repair and change a relationship for the better

11:39 – Get rid of the 4 negative horsemen

12:06 – James says,“My spouse speaks to me with
contempt and says that I do the same to her. How do I get her to
stop saying this?”– Start looking at yourself and see
where you get triggered. Be curious and ask how you can work on
it.

13:22 – All 4 disasters destroy marriages

13:46 – Please don’t forget to rate us and leave us a review
oniTunes!

13:53 – End of this week’s podcast!



3 Key Points:
The 4 disasters WILL destroy your marriage; so take notice of
whether or not they are present in your relationship.The solution
is to start a conversation from a soft place with your unarguable
truths—this sets you and your partner up for success.Always look at
yourself FIRST, before confronting your partner about how they
treat you.

Resources Mentioned:


Dr. John Gottman– An expert in relationships and marriage
research

Download PDF – A PDF summary of the 4 Disasters and 7 Masters
Skills by Joseph Tropper