36: Shame

In this episode of the Helping Couples Heal podcast, Marnie and
Duane discuss the topic of shame, the greatest obstacle/barrier
to healing relationships after betrayal. 


It is crucial that a betraying partner be accountable for their
betrayal; shame doesn’t accomplish that. Shame makes healing much
harder, perhaps impossible. 


What accompanies shame most often is the feeling of hopelessness
because it tells you that this (what you have done) is who you
have always been and always will be. Rather than conceptualizing
your betrayal as behavior that caused trauma to your intimate
partner (and perhaps others as well), shame frames the betrayal
as an integral part of your identity. Most people who feel that,
at their core, they are bad will not believe that they are worthy
of forgiveness and healing. 


While humility pushes you to change and become a better person,
shame paralyzes and prevents you from growing and healing. It
disables you, blocking your capacity to take the necessary steps
to heal yourself or your relationship. 


Relational healing requires the ability to be relational and
present. Shame does the opposite; it pushes you away from
your spouse at precisely the moment you should be trying to
rebuild your connection.


If shame is keeping you or your relationship stuck, please listen
to this episode. 


https://helpingcouplesheal.com/