33: Zen Under Fire with Marianne Elliott

Welcome! My guest today is Marianne Elliott, a mouthy introvert
who collects treasures and tells tales. She is the National
Director for Action Station, a digital platform to enable social
action. She rallies fellow New Zealanders to fight for truth,
justice, and a kinder way. Marianne trained as a human rights
lawyer, and worked in several places around the world before
going to the Gaza Strip and Afghanistan.


Stories are her secret weapon and yoga is her medicine. Her
memoir, Zen Under Fire, is a moving account of working on
the world’s most notorious battlefield and her personal story
about the effect of her lifestyle on her relationships. 


In this episode, you’ll learn:


How Marianne’s decision not to have a child came from a
combination of choices and circumstances.

For many years, Marianne made life choices that didn’t
coincide with life as a mother. When she contemplated parenthood,
she didn't have a suitable partner with whom to embark on
this life experience.

“Sometimes, the choice is not between A and B, but between B
and C.”

How we control with technology SO many aspects of our lives,
but the circumstances surrounding having/not having a child
cannot be controlled.

One of the most hurtful comments is that parenthood alone
transforms you from selfish and shallow to caring and
compassionate.


A deep, compassionate heart can be awakened in other
ways besides motherhood.

“Closing the door” on parenthood did bring grief, that this
part of the human experience would NOT be a part of her
life.

Marianne saw a therapist for six months to process the
decision she’d made.

Zen retreats, journaling, meditation, and therapy all were
helpful.

The MOST helpful support for Marianne came from a friend in a
similar situation, the only person with whom she could be totally
honest and transparent.

Women without children are perceived in stereotypically
negative ways.

Ironically, men who chose to not be parents are not
questioned or perceived in the same selfish, negative ways that
women are.

Society seems to define women according to their state of
motherhood or non-motherhood.


Women need to be allies to each other, whether or not
they have children.

Marianne has nephews, nieces, and many children in her life.

Marianne has an increasingly small number of close friends
with whom she has much in common, being in mid-40’s and
child-free.

Social networks DO exist for women in this narrow niche.

The major benefits for Marianne to not having children are
that she can pour herself into incredibly important work.

She enjoys incredible freedom and flexibility, which allow
her to be a support system for many of her friends who do have
children.

Marianne describes herself as an introvert who LOVES to be
alone, so she wonders how she would’ve coped if motherhood had
come to her.

Find Marianne at www.marianne-elliott.com, which features her
writings and her book about her time as an aid worker in
Afghanistan.



I do hope you enjoyed this episode. Please go to
michellemariemcgrath.com for more episodes of these valuable
conversations. Thank you!