47: Do I have to be a mother? with Karin Rahbek

Are you struggling with the decision whether or not to have
children? If you are feeling pressured to make a choice, based on
someone else's feelings, you will benefit from listening to
today's guest, Karin Rahbek, author of "Do I Have To Be A Mother?
A Childfree Woman's Honest and Unspoken Thoughts and Feelings."
 Karin's hope is that this book will help other childfree
women to understand and accept their feelings and be happy in who
they are (and not focussed on the mother they could have been).


Karin spent several years looking for precisely the book that she
ended up writing for herself. The book describes in a potent and
personal manner, the thoughts and feelings that are associated
with not wanting to have children at all, in a society that views
motherhood as the most natural part of being a woman.


It is Karin's hope that by reading and talking openly about the
doubts felt by other women, that women can become more honest
with one another. She intends to help make the decision about
motherhood less fraught with taboo. Listen in today - this is
such an emotive topic! 


“You define your own femininity and feel beautiful and
valuable and loved as the woman you are and not the mother you
could be.”


Today, Karin talks to Michelle about: 


Her choice to not have a child, even with the pressure of
family and friends, who were all becoming parents.    
                 
                 
                 
      “The feeling that motherhood is not for me
has been with me for as long as I can remember.”

How Karin's book came out of some deep thinking about
motherhood and the different facets involved in making this kind
of choice.              
                 
Karin notes:” I didn't know any parents who actually had a life I
would want to swap for." (Very thought-provoking).

The difficulty in making a choice contrary to that of most of
the people in your life, with all the pressure that goes with
that, to conform.             
            Karin says: “Yes, it
definitely takes courage to choose a life without children.”

How many women feel pressured to have a child, even after
having previously made it clear that they have no desire to be a
mother.                
                 
Karin says: “When you say that you don't want a child, many
people hear you say 'I don't want a child right
now'.”

She highlights: if it's the man's choice not to have
children, they often get the same type of pressure to conform.
                 
                 
   
“There was a man writing to me that the exact same story, just
the opposite... he didn't want to have children..... after a
while his partner said the same thing 'you must have the urge
to have kids now?”

How she got the idea to start a dating network for childfree
people.            Karin says: “My
husband and I saw a program with a guy creating a dating network
for people who really wanted to have children.”

The reason that she started her network.     
                 
                 
          She says:  “I thought why
can't these two people meet, they need another person that
doesn't want to have children either and that made me start the
network.”     

Karin finds it interesting and special about women who choose
not to have children - is that they know exactly what they want.
                 
                 
  ”Some people will just go along with the desire of their
partner, because they don't really know what they want.”

How different people make the choice with different levels of
certainty.        Karin says: “There are
different levels of having this feeling I don't want
kids because some people are kind of indifferent.”
(Ambiguity is a huge topic).

Some of the beliefs and questions that Karin explored around
the time that some of her family members changed their minds. It
made her question why she didn't want to have a child when
everybody else had that desire.

The number of women not having children in Denmark is
increasing.  
“Not only in Denmark, but in all the Scandinavian countries.”

Her interview with the BBC about her book and also about the
paradox that the Danish population is in decline, while the
market for Danish sperm donation is booming!

What she's had to deal with in terms of pressure from family
and friends, to change her mind.        
                 
                 
                 
                 
    She says: “I think I felt the pressure within
myself.”

A TV show she was interviewed on about choices that people
make around having children. Karin says: “They don't really
understand the term 'childfree'.”

Karin discusses how she uses her energy to create in
other ways and how important it is to her, to help and give to
others.



Links: 


Karin's site www.childfreewoman.com


Karin's book is available from Amazon at
http://tinyurl.com/lcpvsfb


I do hope you enjoyed this episode. It's fascinating to hear
perspectives from various countries and cultures to understand
what the differences AND the similarities are, no matter where
you are in the world. 


Please share this episode with another woman who would benefit
and of course eternal gratitude if you would subscribe and leave
a review. Thank you!


For more episodes go to michellemariemcgrath.com