Coffee with Sarah Langford Berger

Let's go now to our Real World Correspondent, Sarah Langford
Berger! Sarah is a hospice nurse with Kansas City Hospice
& Palliative Care. She has her Bachelor of Science from
National American University. She's married to Chris Berger with
two gorgeous kiddos. Make sure you listen to hear who Sarah
met unexpectedly when she went to church!


This show notes page is going to be more of a prequel to meeting
Sarah. It will tell you about Sarah by telling you what kind of
Jay McNeal she and her friends let in. If we do another episode
together then it should include the story of the first night we
actually met. But, for now, let's start before the beginning.


We were both poor young adults living in one of the wealthiest
counties in America when I showed up. I was doing my best to
fit in when I arrived in the midwest but Sarah and her friends
cared about more important things than conforming.


I was a peculiar outcast when our paths crossed. I was,
literally, working at Blockbuster Video after having resigned,
burned out from my full time youth ministry job nearby. I was
divorced, bankrupt, and failed at the ministry I left everything
to serve.  In the podcast you will hear what our common
time was like to Sarah. For myself I remember many great
joys, every youth I served and almost every adult but I also know
how destructive a few of those adult church members were before I
met Sarah. I was so naive.


I do not have much of a theology of sin, evil, or the devil.
Well, I do but I don't think they're worth much of my time or
brain power. Learning to love and be kind consume all of my time
and will consume all of my life, knowing that mastery is never in
the cards. So why waste life teaching people about sin? People
are good. People need love. Talk to them about the beauty,
magnificence, courage, and other virtues that make them up! Find
their joy and gifts and massage those into the raging fire they
can become. But with that said, the same way Sarah cannot deny
the truth of her wonderful church experience, I had an experience
with my Kansas church staff that included the opposite of love.


In the church I served I may have experienced something like the
devil and certainly something of evil. The senior pastor kept his
distance from my youth ministry. The associate pastor
supervised me and we met weekly one-on-one. Let's call him Steve.
The meetings were always positive and productive. The ministry
was certainly an enormous beast. I will always be the first to
say it was a huge job with a notable learning curve, with exactly
one staff person - me. What I know in hindsight was that some of
the youth parents gossiped about me when the plans for a youth
evening fell through because of a funeral. Those voices funneled
their criticism to one adult volunteer I'll call Victor.
Volunteer Victor spent another three months attending every
youth activity and building his case to have me fired. Then
he brought his case to the associate pastor. My first
discovery that there was a major problem was a meeting in a
classroom in the basement with Victor and Steve where
Victor read three full pages of single-spaced, 10-point
font, bullet points about how I was incompetent. The only other
time in my life I had received anything but high praise was was
when I was a student teacher to 3rd graders. (I truly cannot
communicate with 3rd graders.) While I'd have preferred earlier,
more constructive communication, I was elated (after 24
hours of privately taking it personally) to have such thorough
feedback. I took the information and made changes to my
priorities in the youth ministry to deliver more of what they had
been looking for (more administration and less pastoral care,
more visible leadership and less letting others have the
spotlight).


In the classroom I said virtually nothing. Steve
(associate) did not add anything or come to my
defense. I simply heard and received the information. I was
absolutely stunned. It was vicious and malicious. I don't know if
he's proud of his accomplishment but
he really had to want it. I had trusted him
and welcomed him into every youth event and activity. There was
nothing bad to hide and everything good to witness. While I
provided for his comfort, he was sharpening his blade. The next
meeting they brought me into was in Steve's office. This
time, however, the devil was sitting behind the desk. Victor's
presentation was predictably composed again but he was
clearly out of control with the content of his spoken words
now and written words before. Regardless of his professional
execution, the entire situation was not insurmountable with
appropriate response from our church leadership (myself
included). Certainly, Steve would hear
Victor politely and then kindly set the record straight.


I may as well have not been in the room for what happened next.
Steve mirrored Victor's play and increased the
showmanship. Steve began whole-heartedly agreeing with
Victor as if this had been Steve's exact feeling since I had
been hired. Steve agreed with Victor and made up
complete fiction that Steve had been telling me the same
things for many months in our weekly meetings. I thought I was in
the Twilight Zone. I was staring at Steve as this
experienced pastor spilled bold-face lies about the content
of dozens of meetings. These were not subtle misunderstandings or
differences of perception; these we donald trump,
throw-him-under-the-bus style lies.


Because I loved the youth and I loved the church I've never told
this story publicly. I did not fight to stay at the church. I
left depressed and confused. They barely knew me and did not know
how pure my heart was, how honestly I was bearing the love I knew
through Jesus Christ to them. I did nothing to protect myself. I
didn't keep contemporaneous notes like James Comey. I didn't make
a big stink and try to stay, even though I'd seen other staff
members treated badly also. I had no leverage. I had no power. I
had no money. And, in the long view, I was still very young in my
career in ministry. I had no resources, internally or externally,
to fight their resources. And what would "winning" look like? I
knew who my successor would be and I had set her up to be very
successful with the youth that I loved. For them and their next
leader, ugly as it was behind the scenes, I had to go.


I ended up in the hospital being treated for depression. It was
there that I wrote my letter giving two weeks notification to the
church. I believe it was there that the senior pastor described
Victor as a "lightning rod for negativity." The youth would never
know this despicable story. They would always think of me with
suspicion. Their next leader would get to tell them more about
Jesus, and that was what it was suppose to be about - knowing Him
and living into who we are called to be.


One last unforgettable detail, my last day was a
Sunday about ten days after I got out of the hospital. I was
in our fellowship hall stationed behind a table for
something. Victor came up and handed me a store-bought greeting
card, which I opened with reluctance and trepidation. He had
simply signed his name to the pre-printed message, "I see Jesus
in you."


Christians, this is a problem. You cannot do evil, you cannot
kill Jesus, and then make it all better with a Hallmark card or a
compliment. The two do not offset one another.


The last thing I'll say is that I love that church. I did
know many amazing adults. Two adult friends, Lara and Angela,
will always stand out. Everyone deserves friends like them.


I love that church because Victor and Steve aren't the
whole church. Because of gossip I don't know which other parents
fueled Victor's mission. How can one love and serve a
congregation with secret enemies shaking your hand after the
sermon?  Whether you are a lay member or a staff person, if
anyone gossips to you then it is your responsibility to direct
the speaker to the person they are talking about! Never get in
the middle. Never make a triangle. Communicate your own
experience, opinions and observations to the source first. Do not
start with a supervisor, senior pastor, other parent, or
lightning rod for negativity. If you are intimidated, bring an
observer. Church staff are real people with real lives. We have
real families and real life expenses. Conflict itself is healthy,
good, and normal but only when it is handled maturity and grace.
Please stop undermining the church and its leadership.


Well, before I go, senior pastors, that goes double for you. Send
the gossipers, even if they're staff, to the person they have
conflict with. Don't provide secret cover. You cannot deliver
their feedback as accurately as they can. Hold people
accountable, follow up, but do not deliver their messages.


As one might imagine, my next phase of being in the midwest was a
very dark time after the hospital and resignation. The dark
season was mostly internal; it was emotional and spiritual. I
didn't know Christians could be like this. Although this is
when I met Sarah, Mike (her boyfriend), and Scott, they were the
light.
Links:

Sponsor: United Faith Leaders


Kansas City Hospice & Palliative Care


National American University