Remake Review: Assault on Precinct 13 (2005) f/ Alexandra Wiles

Yep, we did it again! After tackling the limp Carpenter retread
that was 2005's The Fog, we simply
couldn't leave that same year's version of our show's namesake on
the table. So, Chris, Nick, and special guest Alexandra Wiles
checked out director Jean-Francois Richet's Assault on
Precinct 13, and, it turns out, we had a lot to
discuss about it! Unlike some remakes, this one at least has the
guts to try something different from Carpenter's original,
swapping out its L.A. setting for a cold New Year's Eve in the
industrial sprawl of Detroit and replacing its iconic
cop/criminal duo with a strung-out Ethan Hawke and an ice-cold
(and, perhaps, a little too Morpheus-like) Laurence Fishburne.
And, this time, it isn't a faceless street gang that lays siege
to the derelict police station, and (thankfully?) nobody dies
while eating ice cream. But, at any rate, this movie -- which is
notably lacking in Carpenter's involvement -- has left us with a
lot of questions. Like, is a steady stream of automatic gunfire a
good substitute for character development? (Spoiler: it's not).
Would this movie be improved by the addition of some familiar
faces from other beloved franchises? (Spoiler: it would). And,
just how did that remote, moonlit forest suddenly appear in the
middle of the Motor City? (Spoiler: we have no f*cking clue). So,
join us for an unexpectedly in-depth analysis of this
not-quite-classic, plus: Nick throws some shade at the
Purge franchise, Alex and Chris celebrate
a recent horror sequel that definitely did not suck, and we
consider just how many close-range Molotov cocktails constitute
overkill.