Set Backs in Marriage

We all have hope for a marriage that lasts and is fulfilling.
What we often don't expect is how hard it will be when we
disagree with our spouse on important values, military marriage
problems or finding ourselves moving at a different pace. I
haven't met anyone who married thinking, "Gee, I don't plan on
making this last." Setbacks can happen when we are least
expecting it. An injury while training for a physical goal or a
career put on hold for a relocation can be incredibly
disappointing and discouraging. You may even be tempted to quit.
Most couples have at least one area of their relationship that
they are hoping to improve or fix. Parenting, finances and even
sex can lead to heated disagreements and (hopefully) deciding
together on ways to get on the same page and work together.
Life's interruptions or an impulsive decision by one of you can
make it feel as if you will never reach that goal. In that moment
or setback, quitting feels like a very real option. Sometimes,
there are very minor consequences to military marriage problems
or a setback that only require a deep breath, a good night's
sleep, and starting again tomorrow. But destructive choices such
as too much video gaming or pornography use by one spouse can
cause even bigger consequences, including feeling like this is a
major rift in your ability to be a couple. For some, the marriage
is already on thin ice if you are working through serious issues
such as overcoming infidelity or addiction. Destructive scenarios
like these involve a more detailed process of change and support
to gain traction. You may feel like the setbacks will never stop,
and you will never be able to move forward. No matter what you
are dealing with as a couple, whether it's small or large,
setbacks are more likely than not to happen as you work toward a
new pattern of behavior for both of you. But that doesn't mean
all hope is lost. With a few tools in your pocket, you can move
through them. Instead of giving up, try these three steps. 1. Hit
a pause button. Learning to develop self-control and hit a pause
button when things get complicated is a great practice in
general. Self-control gives you the opportunity to think through
what is happening, feel any feelings that are naturally there and
gain perspective. Relocations and deployments are a natural
interruption in the military lifestyle when everything feels out
of order. Basic needs such as food, shelter and safety all take
priority, and you might feel distracted from the intense focus
you had as a couple. For example, if you were dependent before
your move on a counselor or group for support, it will take some
time to find that again. Try not to rush yourself or your spouse
through what you were working through when these bumps come
along. Instead, agree on a healthy timeframe to reconnect with
support or resume the plan when you are both ready. Having grace
for each other and getting on the same page are more important
than aggressively working on the goal. If you find your spouse is
not as motivated as you are, invest your energy toward your part
by reading an extra book on the subject or taking a deeper look
through journaling. The important thing here is that you process
how you are feeling about what happened and avoid doing your
spouse's work. 2. Check your progress. The actual definition of a
"setback" involves a "check in progress." Most of us see it as a
failure, but it is actually an opportunity to think through the
progress you are making -- or not making. In addiction recovery,
we teach that relapse is not necessary for recovery but can be
"part of the process" if it happens. Setbacks can provide an
opportunity to take a look at the deeper issues that caused it so
you can avoid similar mistakes in the future. If you move too
quickly, you will miss huge revelations of yourself, your spouse
and your relationship. If you are dealing with a bigger issue
such as rebuilding trust, a professional counselor can help you
find these answers and build greater empathy for each other. Keep
in mind that stressful times such as deployment, reintegration,
relocations or trauma can trigger setbacks or relapses, making
them more likely to occur. If this is an intense time for your
family, be graceful if the setback happened by learning more
about each other and doing a good check on whether the path you
were on is working. If you know you are going into an intense
season, discuss ways to be proactive to prevent one. 3. Move
forward. If your spouse caused your setback, it can be incredibly
discouraging to think about moving forward. How many setbacks are
too many before you should give up? If you are struggling with
this question, finding a counselor to talk to will help you
determine what is right for your family. If you caused a setback,
the shame is equally debilitating. Even when you don't feel like
it, take the next healthy step forward. In recovery, there is a
phrase -- "fake it till you make it." It doesn't mean you should
be inauthentic. It means you decide to take the next step even
when you don't feel like it. Eventually, your motivation will
come back. Shame (in you or your spouse) spirals into an
unproductive place and is not the same thing as processing the
present disappointment. Sometimes, the next step is a willingness
to physically reach out and hold your spouse's hand again.
Embrace that mistakes in our own lives and our spouses are part
of being human. One of my favorite phrases is "start simply, but
simply start" and is likely to get you going again. Every couple
has military marriage problems and issues to work through, which
means setbacks are going to happen. Who will you be when it
happens to you?