How do you talk to your kids about their disability and when is the
right time to do it? Join Erin and me as we talk with Tara and
Tonia Christle about how to approach this subject and when. Erin
and I knew we wanted the Christle twins to join us as they are
adults with disabilities and they have great advice for us as
parents. Listen to the show: Did you leave a review on iTunes yet?
From the show: Erin and I mentioned we asked this question on
Facebook, and we invited people to join in the conversation, leave
your comment HERE. Every parent is different, and every parent
approaches the how and when differently. While there is no right or
wrong way to approach things, there are a few things that are
important to keep in mind: As Tonia shared, disability is not
inherently bad. There is nothing wrong with using the word
disability, after all, our kids do have disabilities! Not using it,
or looking at is as a bad word, can stigmatize and communicate
shame. We do not want our kids to be ashamed of their disability.
It is okay to talk about limitations or things that are different.
What is important is that we do not talk about these issues in a
negative way, but rather focusing on the fact that different is
okay. Tonia uses the example of what she said to her little
brother, “My legs are not as strong as yours, and that’s okay!”
After hearing this, her little brother would say, “Your legs are
not as strong as mine, and that’s okay!” It is helpful for kids to
understand their own bodies and why they might be different,
therefore, giving the name of their disability helps. For example,
“I have a disability, it is called cerebral palsy, it means that my
muscles and my body move differently, and different is okay,” or,
“I have a disability, it is called autism, it means that my brain
works different, and different is okay!” Disability is part of our
children’s identity, it is not what defines them, but you cannot
separate their disability from who they are. The most important
part about talking to our kids about their disability is that we
let them know we love them, completely, disability included. Always
presume competence. For those of us who have kids with intellectual
disabilities, we can often refer to, “they don’t really understand”
but as Tara and Tonia encourage us, always presume competence.
(This is something I teach every time I speak at churches).
We also talked about how often kids with disabilities feel
pressured to be “typical,” and in turn, it can make them feel as if
they are not good enough, not lovable enough, or ashamed. So when
do we start talking about their disabilities? Kids with
disabilities, even as young as grade school, have already
experienced ableism. This is why the sooner we start talking about
it, the better it is for them in order to understand and make sense
of their experiences, so they do not feel there is something
“wrong” with them. Tonia and Tara shared they never had those
conversations, even now, and how helpful it would have been as
children. We also talked about the 5 Stages of disability
attitudes, and how pity is the most commonly experienced attitude
since it is the most prevalent. Pity also comes across as niceness,
and when we talk to our kids about their disability, we can address
their experiences and reaffirm their feelings. As parents,
sometimes we are the ones stuck on pity. It is pay, but it is
important for us to move on through the stages. If we are stuck at
pity, that ends up being what we communicate, and we do not want
our kids to feel pity form us. Pity says, “that is so bad!” In the
pity stage, disability is a tragedy. If you struggle with those
feelings and have been there for a while, perhaps it is time to
find a counselor to work through those feelings. As parents, we all
move through the stages of disability attitudes, we all start with
ignorance, move to pity, and eventually move to care, friendship,
and eventually co-laborers. Tara brought up the prevalent ideology
of, “overcoming disability” and she shared why that can be harmful
for people with disabilities. This is one of those conversations
that as a mom, it stops me in my tracks, so we talked more about
this. The Freebie: The freebie for this podcast comes
directly from Tonia. She wrote the most amazing book to talk about
disability. She originally wrote it for my daughter (and we read it
for her class) but this is perfect for you if you want a script to
talk to your kid about his/her disability, and to make it into book
form. Go HERE to claim your free copy! So what about you? How and
when did you talk to your kids about their disability? Don’t forget
to stop by iTunes and leave us a review!
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