#810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules

Terry Real is a nationally recognized family
therapist, author, and teacher. His book I Don't Want To Talk
About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, the
first book ever written on the topic of male depression, is a
national bestseller. His new book, Us: Getting Past You
& Me to Build a More Loving Relationship is a New
York Times bestseller.


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Timestamps:


[00:00:00] Start.


[00:05:51] The pumpernickel story.


[00:09:44] Wise adult, wounded child, and adaptive child.


[00:11:25] Relational mindfulness.


[00:12:11] Remembering love.


[00:13:29] Why do we remain loyal to bad relationships?


[00:16:58] The RLT stance on taking a position as a therapist.


[00:18:46] Objectivity battles.


[00:24:11] Entering into compassionate curiosity about your
partner’s subjective experience.


[00:29:40] Normal marital hatred.


[00:34:19] Taking the first steps toward repair.


[00:37:03] Empathizing with someone whose reality doesn’t match
yours.


[00:39:45] Should you stay or should you go? Understanding
relational reckoning.


[00:43:41] Leveraging a resistant partner toward therapy.


[00:46:03] The preconditions that must be addressed before RLT
can be effective.


[00:48:37] Understanding covert depression in men.


[00:52:52] Determining underlying depression.


[00:54:36] Favored modalities for working with trauma.


[00:55:04] Parsing the patriarchy.


[00:59:35] Taking care of your relationship’s biosphere without
being codependent.


[01:03:23] Terry’s prescription for overcoming my own faulty
childhood templates.


[01:07:05] Pondering gender expectations and expressions.


[01:13:06] Were Terry’s distinctly different boys raised
similarly?


[01:15:05] A good Morani vs. a great Morani.


[01:16:53] The greatest achievement of Terry’s life.


[01:18:44] Advice for people who want to be better parents than
the ones they had.


[01:21:17] The typical format of Terry’s men’s group therapy.


[01:23:56] Full-respect living, group guidelines, and boundaries.


[01:25:07] Comparing and contrasting Relational Life Therapy
(RLT) with Internal Family Systems (IFS).


[01:27:54] Modern relationship challenges — from polyamory to
monogamy.


[01:29:53] The research is clear: Humans are born to be intimate.


[01:32:16] Toxic femininity and the new world order.


[01:34:40] Relational empowerment vs. individual empowerment.


[01:35:45] One up, one down.


[01:37:50] From grandiosity to baseline: Relational joy vs.
gratification.


[01:43:06] How to learn more about Terry’s work.


[01:45:16] Recommended reading.


[01:49:09] Terry’s billboard.


[01:49:34] Parting thoughts.


*


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Past guests on The Tim Ferriss
Show include Jerry Seinfeld, Hugh
Jackman, Dr. Jane Goodall, LeBron James, Kevin
Hart, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Jamie Foxx, Matthew
McConaughey, Esther Perel, Elizabeth
Gilbert, Terry Crews, Sia, Yuval Noah
Harari, Malcolm Gladwell, Madeleine
Albright, Cheryl Strayed, Jim Collins, Mary
Karr, Maria Popova, Sam Harris, Michael
Phelps, Bob Iger, Edward Norton, Arnold
Schwarzenegger, Neil Strauss, Ken Burns, Maria
Sharapova, Marc Andreessen, Neil Gaiman, Neil de
Grasse Tyson, Jocko Willink, Daniel Ek, Kelly
Slater, Dr. Peter Attia, Seth Godin, Howard
Marks, Dr. Brené Brown, Eric Schmidt, Michael
Lewis, Joe Gebbia, Michael Pollan, Dr. Jordan
Peterson, Vince Vaughn, Brian Koppelman, Ramit
Sethi, Dax Shepard, Tony Robbins, Jim
Dethmer, Dan Harris, Ray Dalio, Naval
Ravikant, Vitalik Buterin, Elizabeth
Lesser, Amanda Palmer, Katie Haun, Sir Richard
Branson, Chuck Palahniuk, Arianna Huffington, Reid
Hoffman, Bill Burr, Whitney Cummings, Rick
Rubin, Dr. Vivek Murthy, Darren
Aronofsky, Margaret Atwood, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter
Thiel, Dr. Gabor Maté, Anne Lamott, Sarah
Silverman, Dr. Andrew Huberman, and many more.


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