#798: Terry Real — Breaking the Rules of Traditional Couples Therapy for Superior Results, A Few Frameworks That Work

For this episode, I’m doing something a bit different. I’m
featuring five chapters from the audiobook Fierce
Intimacy by Terry Real. What you will hear in this
episode will help you identify both your and your partner’s
losing strategies in relationships, and help you move from
disharmony to repair. Terry is the creator of Relational Life
Therapy, or RLT, which underpins all his books, courses, and
teachings and equips people with the powerful relational skills
they need to make love work. He is also the author of five
books, including the New York Times bestseller Us:
Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving
Relationship. 


And if you’d like an extra dose of calm, I recommend checking out
Henry Shukman, a past podcast guest and one of only a few dozen
masters in the world authorized to teach Sanbo Zen. Henry’s
app, The Way, has changed my life. I’ve been
using it daily, often twice a day, and it’s lowered my anxiety
more than I thought possible. For 30 free sessions, just visit
thewayapp.com/tim. No credit card required.


Excerpted from Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One
Another with LOVE by Terry Real (Sounds True,
2018.). Used with permission.


[00:00:00] Who is Terry Real?


[00:03:11] Harmony, disharmony, and repair: The rhythm of all
intimate human relationships.


[00:06:27] Harmony: Love without knowledge.


[00:07:01] Disharmony: Knowledge without love.


[00:10:01] Repair: Knowing love.


[00:10:35] Stay or go? A relational reckoning.


[00:12:04] Five losing strategies for getting from disharmony to
repair.


[00:13:21] Being right: Objective reality has no place in
personal relationships.


[00:16:35] Trying to control your partner: No one likes being
controlled.


[00:21:35] Unbridled self-expression: The barf bag approach to
intimacy.


[00:27:33] Retaliation: Offending from the victim position.


[00:32:13] Withdrawal: Provacative distance-taking.


[00:35:58] Shaking hands with your adaptive child — your losing
strategy profile (LSP).


[00:38:08] Lessons learned by comparing your partner’s LSP with
your own.


*


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