Episode 023 – Attachment: Part 2 – Adult Romantic Relationships

Summary: In this episode, Joseph opens Part Two of our attachment
series. Adult, romantic relationships are where we truly see the
ways in which we attach to our partner. One who is secure in
their attachments will behave differently than one who is
considered to be avoidant in relationships. Joseph refers to the
work, Attached, as a guide for this discussion. Tune-in to hear
how the three types of attachment—secure, avoidant, and
anxious—affect one’s relationships and the ways in which we can
work towards healthier relationships in each of these instances.
Time Stamped Show Notes: 00:01 – Introduction to Mind Your Mind
Podcast 00:23 – Today’s episode is Attachment: Part 2 – Adult
Romantic Relationship 00:35 – Check out Episode 22 for Part 1
00:59 – “We do as we have been done by” – John Bowlby 01:05 –
“We learn how to treat others the way we are treated” 01:39 –
Once we become conscious of our actions, we can make changes
02:02 – People who work on security in a relationship are able to
make changes 02:24 – The book recommended as a resource for
this topic: Attached 03:02 – Main 3 types of attachment –
secure, avoidant and anxious 03:20 – A secure person in a
relationship: o Reliable and consistent o Can makes decisions
together with you o Has a flexible view of the relationship o
Communicates well o Has healthy dependency o Relationship is not
viewed as hard work o Closeness breeds closeness o You’re
introduced to friends and family early on o They don’t play games
o Available and doesn’t control you 04:13 – A person who is
avoidant in a relationship: o Sends mixed signals o Values
independence above all o They devalue the partner o They use
distancing strategies to try to pull close o Puts boundaries in a
relationship o Has unrealistic romantic views o They fear being
taken advantage of o Has a rigid view of relationships o
Uncompromising o Difficulty talking about issues o 4 things that
are common: not ready to commit, not pursuing the relationship,
phantom x, there is someone called “the one” and you’re not it
06:08 – An anxious person in a relationship: o Craves closeness o
Expresses fear of rejection o Unhappy when not in a relationship
o Expects their partner to guess and know what they want o They
act out o Makes things about themselves and the relationship o
Lets you set the tone o They are preoccupied o Afraid small
things might ruin the relationship o They are suspicious and
distrustful 07:24 – 50% of people are secure, 25% are avoidant,
20% are anxious and 5% are mixed 08:18 – The most common
relationship dynamic: an anxious person marrying an avoidant
08:29 – Many secure people marry other secures 09:32 – Avoidant
vs Anxious dynamic has a big spectrum of dysfunctional situations
09:44 – When one partner realizes the pattern, they shift the
entire relationship 10:23 – Advice on the avoidant type: o Show
more concern o Focus on the problem at hand o Don’t generalize
the conflict o Be willing to engage o Communicate feelings and
needs 11:13 – Advice on the anxious type: o Wear your heart o
Focus on your needs o Be specific o Don’t blame o Be assertive
and non-apologetic in a healthy way 12:12 – There is a
tremendous amount of work that can be done in your relationships
12:29 – Do the research, understand how you and your partner
behave, and make the change 12:59 – Joseph shares about a
patient who wanted to leave her spouse 13:37 – Life gives us
experiences and it teaches us so many things 13:41 – Learn from
your past and present for your future 14:11 – End of this
week’s podcast!


3 Key Points:
The way we treat others can be indicative of the way we have
been treated. Be aware of you and your partner’s tendencies, so you
can make changes for the health of your relationship. It’s always
best to meet your partner halfway; each one needs to do their part.

Resources Mentioned: Attached – Book Joseph highly recommends
on the topic of attachment