Soul Gum Archiv

Admit it: you’re still thinking about that cringey thing you did 6 years ago. Maybe it was something you said. Something you did. Something that haunts you at 2 AM when your brain decides to rerun its most humiliating blooper reel.

Today, we’re breaking down exactly how to move past an embarrassing moment in 5 steps. We’ll talk about why your brain refuses to let things go, how the spotlight effect makes you think people care way more than they actually do, and the five fastest ways to shake off the cringe and move on with your life.

EPISODE OUTLINE

00:00 Intro 

02:06 Preorder Make Believe! Come see me on tour!

02:44 Why do we feel embarrassment? 

03:50 Embarrassment scale 

03:57 Tier 1: slight cringe

05:07 Tier 2: mild cringe

07:07 Tier 3: proper humiliation 

11:09 Tier 4: deep humiliation 

13:29 Tier 5: existential humiliation

15:45 Jean Paul Sartre’s the gaze 

17:50 The spotlight effect

18:44 Social media and the spotlight effect

19:30 5 tips for navigating embarrassing moments

19:3 6 Break - Book! Bali! Tour! 

25:25 1. Remember the spotlight is not real

29:51 2. Call it out as it’s happening 

32:49 3. Tell someone 

34:27 4. Figure out the root

35:58 5. Own it and then move on 

40:07 Challenge 

MY LINKS

⁠⁠⁠⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more⁠⁠⁠⁠ Let’s hang on tour!! ⁠⁠⁠⁠Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 

EPISODE LINKS

Spotlight Effect Study 

Spotlight Effect and Social Media Study 

Jean Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness 

Confidence isn’t just something you have—it’s something you do. Today, we’re breaking down 8 small but powerful shifts that will instantly change how others see you and how you feel about yourself. These aren’t generic “believe in yourself” tips. These are super specific, research-backed tips that will instantly improve your confidence. We’re diving into original sources ranging from Plato’s the Republic to HBO’s Euphoria to ask: what does it mean to be a confident person? And how do you become one? If you want to show up in the next conversation you have as most magnetic, grounded, and comfy-in-your-skin version of yourself—this episode is for you.

EPISODE OUTLINE

00:00 Intro

03:42 The philosophy of confidence 

03:55 Plato’s virtue of the mean

05:30 Maddy from Euphoria on confidence

06:49 8 shifts for instant confidence 

07:18 Break - with a surprise for you! 

11:12 1. The power of the pause 

13:35 2. Watch overactive listening 

16:02 3. Open body language

18:29 4. Handshakes are hot 

20:34 5. Rephrase mirrored questions

24:04 6. Slow blink rate 

26:43 7. Watch upspeak 

29:22 8. Call them by their name

32:32 Lightning round recap

MY LINKS

⁠⁠⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠ 

EPISODE LINKS

⁠On nonverbal dominance⁠

⁠How open body language makes us more attractive⁠

⁠The calming effect of physical touch⁠

⁠The power of handshakes⁠

⁠TALK: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves by Allison Woods Brooks⁠

⁠Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman⁠

⁠The body language of the eyes (re: blink rate)⁠

⁠The neuroscience of calling people by their name

We live in an age of seemingly infinite options. The internet has thousands of pages of search results for that thing you need to buy. Endless entertainment awaits on streaming platforms and social media. Dating apps offer a never-ending scroll of potential partners. So why does it feel impossible to find what we need? Why can’t you pick a movie to watch? Why is it harder than ever to find someone to love? 

This episodes discusses the paradox of choice: the idea that more choices often make us less happy. Is more less when it comes to choices? If so, how can we live happily in an age of infinite options? Let's talk about it.

EPISODE OUTLINE:

00:00 Intro

01:51 What is the paradox of choice?

02:37 Stanford jam study

06:12 Dating apps

07:10 Decision paralysis

08:53 Opportunity costs

09:13 Sylvia Plath's fig tree allegory

12:08 Expectation inflation

15:05 So what do we do about it?

15:57 Break

21:01 Kierkegaard's leap of faith

22:10 The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

24:17 Nietzsche's amor fati

27:49 Satisficing

30:00 The next right thing

MY LINKS:

⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more⁠ ⁠Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!⁠ ⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠ 

Friend breakups hit different. They’re messy, heartbreaking, and rarely come with closure. In today’s episode, we’re breaking down five of the most common types of friendship breakups, why they happen, and how to survive them without losing your mind (or your faith in humanity). If you’ve ever mourned a friendship like it was a death, this one’s for you.

EPISODE OUTLINE:

00:00 Intro 

03:21 1. The Mutual Drift

04:18 Aristotle’s utility, pleasure and virtue friendships

06:46 Dunbar’s number: how many friendships can we maintain at once?

08:25 Carl Jung & making friends while wearing a mask

09:40 Mollenhorst’s social pruning study

10:06 Getting through a mutual drift

11:51 Break - with a surprise! 

15:23 2. The One-Sided Slow Fade

17:00 How to get through it on the receiving end 

19:09 What if you’re the one who’s fading away from a friend? 

21:22 3. The Formal Breakup 

23:38 How to break up with a friend ethically

24:47 Getting through a friend breaking up with you 

25:34 4. The Blow Up 

26:42 Sartre & conflict as a mirror of the self  

27:44 Getting through a friendship blowing up 

28:21 Hegel & conflict as an engine for growth

29:26 5. The Sudden Ghost 

30:23 Getting through being ghosted by a friend

32:06 Lightning round recap 

32:39 The peak-end rule 

34:02 Journaling prompts for processing a friendship breakup 

34:33 Poem: To Strangers I Used to Know

MY LINKS

⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more⁠ ⁠Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE!⁠ ⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠⁠ 

Your attention is sacred. It’s also for sale. 

Maybe the reason you can’t get off your phone or stop wasting your Saturdays streaming a show you’ll forget the moment you finish the last episode or do what you say you will isn’t because you’re lazy. It’s not because you don’t want it badly enough. It’s not because you haven’t locked in. Maybe the reason you can’t focus is bigger than you entirely. 

Today’s episode dives into the hidden reason we distract ourselves from our own lives and leaves you with 5 bite-sized ways to reclaim your brain. My fellow doomscrollers, rotters, and TikTok ban mourners: this one’s for you. 

EPISODE OUTLINE:

02:18 The spiritual source of distraction

02:29 I. Nietzsche: staring into the abyss    

03:43 II. Kierkegaard: sickness unto death

04:46 III. Victor Frankl: the search for meaning

08:04 IV. Kali yuga: the age of distraction 

09:16 Enter: the attention economy 

10:15 The Dorito theory 

14:23 So what do we do about it?

14:31 5 steps to take back your focus

14:42 Break - with a surprise for you!

18:14 Step 1: the art of unitasking 

23:05 Step 2: giving attention vs having it taken

25:14 Step 3: Dorito vs dinner list

26:48 Step 4: Dorito ritual 

29:18 Step 5: Focus ritual

31:24 Lightning round recap

MY LINKS:

Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠ Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more Get the Believe Again yoga flow, guided meditation and mini-journal bundle free when you preorder MAKE BELIEVE! Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠ Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠ Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠ (if it ever gets un-banned...)

SHOW LINKS:

Dorito theory TikTok Slot machine dopamine study Study on the cognitive strain of multitasking

This episode should be called ten HARD TO HEAR things about dating I wish I knew in my twenties because... oof. Buckle up. The dating scene in your twenties is the trenches. I wish I could go back in time and tell all this to younger me. It would save her so many hours and tears and good outfits on bad dates with people who don't like her. Instead, I'll tell you. I learned each of these lessons the hard way, but you don't have to! I present to you: 10 things I wish I knew about dating in my twenties.

EPISODE OUTLINE

00:00 Intro 

01:20 Break

04:09 If they treat you like they don’t care, they don’t

06:41 Someone not liking you doesn't make them a catch

10:06 Running at the first sign of conflict isn’t a flex

13:21 If you’re attracted to games, you’re the problem

16:36 Stop seeking closure from your exes 

19:05 Don’t date their potential

20:14 Being single rocks

23:05 Love is not all you need 

23:36 You can’t make them stay if they want to go

30:58 You can’t scare away the right person

33:39 Lightning round recap

LINKS:

Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more! Join me in Bali June 1-7! Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok

Feel like you’re meant for something more but can’t put your finger on what that “more” is? This episode is here to help. The bad news is: finding your purpose in a world full of distractions and expectations is hard. Like, super hard. The good news is: we’ve been struggling with this since the dawn of humanity, so lots of extremely smart people have piped up about it.

Clues to your purpose are hiding in unexpected places. Today, we’ll explore 8 of those clues, as proposed by some of humanity’s greatest minds. Consider this episode a field guide out of your existential crisis. Brought to you by me: your friendly neighborhood lawyer-turned-creative, fresh out of the trenches of living someone else’s life. 

SHOW OUTLINE:

00:00 Intro

03:14 If you're looking for your purpose, look for...

03:42 1. What you loved as a kid (Nietzsche)

06:31 2. What makes you jealous (Nietzsche)

10:15 3. What puts you into flow state (Csikszentmihalyi)

13:00 Break

15:56 4. What you see everywhere

16:32 The Invisible Gorilla Experiment

17:30 The Cocktail Party Effect

18:34 Attention as Devotion (Mary Oliver and Simone Weil)

19:00 5. What makes you uncomfortable (Carl Jung)

20:56 6. What connects you to the world (Bhagavad Gita)

23:30 7. What you want your purpose to be (Albert Camus)

26:36 8. Here and now (Alan Watts)

30:07 Lightning Round Summary

MY LINKS:

​⁠⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠⁠​⁠⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more! ⁠⁠​⁠⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠⁠​⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠⁠​⁠⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠

So you have a dream, huh? You're in the right place. You've probably heard this quote from the brilliant Brianna Wiest: Your new life will cost you your old one. Today we're diving into it. As someone who walked away from an old life for a new one this year, let me tell you - there are costs. In the past year, I have completely flipped my life on its head. I walked away from my job as an attorney to dive into the murky waters of creative work. This episode will discuss 10 things your new life will cost you.

SHOW LINKS:

Your Dreams Are For People Like You - listen to the episode of Shawna Krueger's podcast, Leadership and Yoga Mind Magic: The Neuroscience of Manifestation, by James Doty, M.D. Visual representation of Plato's Cave Allegory

MY LINKS:

⁠Preorder my poetry book MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow to get a free poem print and a personalized signed copy⁠ ⁠Preorder MAKE BELIEVE from Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and more! ⁠ ⁠Join me in Bali June 1-7! ⁠ ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram⁠ ⁠Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok⁠

The floating rock mentality—nihilism with rose-colored glasses—is quickly becoming the zeitgeist of spiritually deconstructed young people. What is it? How did we get here? Cosmologically speaking, are we really just insignificant creatures on an insignificant floating rock? Is life meaningless? What are the pros and cons of believing that it is? Is optimistic nihilism going to turn you into Tyler Durden or Jobu Tupaki? What can we learn from Nietzsche, Albert Camus and Sisyphus? How do we find value in a potentially meaningless universe? Are spirituality and rationality mutually exclusive on this floating rock in space?

JUMP AROUND

I. intro

II. disclaimers (2:37)

III. floating rock mentality (6:48)

a. what is it? (6:48)

b. how did we get here? (9:37)

c. is it true, literally & cosmologically speaking? (11:41)

(ad break)

IV. nietzsche and nihilist philosophy (21:24)

a. sad early life (22:19)

b. sad love life (23:58)

c. nietzsche’s philosophical model (24:47)

V. the pros of purposelessness (29:45)

VI. the cons (35:27)

a. will you turn into tyler durden/jobu tupaki? (36:57)

b. volatile valuation of your own life (40:50)

(ad break)

V. finding value in a (possibly) meaningless universe (43:06)

a. sisyphus (44:13)

b. albert camus on sisyphus (absurdism) (44:47)

VI. how does god fit into all of this? (50:25)

a. pascal’s wager (51:22)

b. choosing between purposelessness & spirituality (58:09)

c. redefining spirituality (1:00:06)

SOURCES & REFERENCES

re: rise in disaffiliation from organized religion among Gen-Z and millennials: https://tinyurl.com/2p9d5474

re: size of the universe, super habitable planets, SETI Luyten B communications: https://tinyurl.com/3kmyy5av; https://tinyurl.com/3hdc8u8m; https://www.seti.org

“Important” by Ian McConnell: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRGqbRHa/

Rhett McLoughlin spiritual deconstruction podcast episode: https://tinyurl.com/yytywu4c

Re: biographical info about Nietzsche: https://tinyurl.com/ye28xbxe; https://tinyurl.com/2za4nsc4

Nietzsche referenced works: Human, All-too-Human (1878), The Gay Science (1882, second expanded edition 1887), On the Genealogy of Morality (1887)

re: Lou Salome, Nietzsche’s love interest: https://tinyurl.com/5bvdymd7; https://tinyurl.com/5598dycu

Fight Club (1999) directed by David Fincher; starring Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, and Helena Bonham Carter

Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) directed by Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert; starring Michelle Yeoh, Ke Huy Quan and Stephanie Hsu

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus

Pascal’s Wager: https://tinyurl.com/ftrrssth; https://tinyurl.com/7nkhw79b

Let’s talk about death, baby. Today we’re asking: Why are we so afraid to die? Are we 21st century humans any different than Gilgamesh (remember Gilgamesh)? Who’s the most afraid of death: baby boomers, millennials or Gen-Z? Should you freeze your brain in case future humans figure out how not to die? What’s death meditation? Can Victoria talk about her spiritual breakthrough without sounding unbearably woo woo? How do we get less afraid to die???

JUMP AROUND:

I. disclaimers 0:37

II. what is death anxiety? 5:19

III. the paradox of being human (ernest becker) 8:09

IV. trying not to die across history (from gilgamesh to cryonics) 12:50

V. afterlife beliefs: then and now 17:13

ad break (are you proud of me or annoyed or both??)

VI. demographic differences in fear of death 20:03

a. nationality 20:49

b. religion 24:15

c. age 26:27

VII. my experiences with death anxiety 30:37

a. fear of being buried alive 33:53

b. false memories related to death 37:22

c. fear of oblivion 39:02

d. spiritual crisis 41:51

ad break

VIII. my experiences with death meditation 43:38

IX. my ego nap 51:44

SOURCES:

definition of death anxiety: https://tinyurl.com/death-anxiety 

Collett-Lester Fear Of Death Scale (CL-FODS): Cuniah M, Bréchon G, Bailly N. Validation of the Revised Collett-Lester Fear of Death Scale in a French Population. https://tinyurl.com/4sp6rh5k

re: the paradox of being human: The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker

re: trying not to die across history: The Epic of Gilgamesh; cryonics (https://tinyurl.com/yckp6jsf); monkey testicle transplant (https://tinyurl.com/3w3svbtm)

re: gen Z attitudes towards death: https://tinyurl.com/bdf2u9yx

re: nationality and religious divides in attitudes towards death https://tinyurl.com/m6f9mepx; the Multidimensional Fear of Death Scale (MFODS; Hoelter, 1979; Neimeyer & Moore, 1994), DePaola, Griffin, Young, and Neimeyer (2003); Duff and Hong (1995); Alvarado, Templer, Bresler, & Thomson-Dobson, 1995)

Is friendship harder than dating or are we all just a little gay? Who did friendship labels better, Aristotle or the Myspace Top 8? Was Alexander Hamilton bi or were we just more comfy with deep friend love back then? How do you make friends as an adult? Is the self care era making us bad friends? Can you love yourself well and love your friends well at the same time?

EPISODE SUMMARY

I. WHY IS MAKING FRIENDS SO HARD?(2:34)

a. no clear labels (3:22)

i. the myspace top 8 - a fleeting moment of clarity (5:47)

ii. aristotle's take on friendship labels (8:00)

b. no hallpass for jealousy (14:34)

i. alexander hamilton: bisexual or just comfy with friend love? (15:55)

c. no roadmap for initiating friendships (20:38)

d. we're all a little gay nowadays (24:05)

II. HOW DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT? (27:25)

a. using the internet (28:05)

b. get okay with pleasure-based friendships (31:00)

c. be patient (32:07)

d. emotional openness (32:56)

e. following through (34:53)

III. IS THE SELF CARE ERA MAKING US BAD FRIENDS? (36:33)

a. 2 stories about flakiness (37:53)

b. the self care over everything era (43:57)

c. how can we love ourselves and our friends well at the same time? (46:40)

SOURCES

Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics

Glennon Doyle, Untamed

article re: Alexander Hamilton being bi: https://tinyurl.com/53328d5d

self care tweet by @kevinfarzad: https://tinyurl.com/yrddpaw6